bbob's blog

bbob · bbob's blog

no-one will ever really hear me.

this blog will go some way to fix that

i sometimes wonder "if the past me, met the present me, he'd be gutted. but if the present me met the present me, he'd be dig it. what's changed?"

bbob

if the present me met the past me, he'd probably kill him to see what happens

bbob

oh eye so this is my blog.

if you stick around i might figure out cool in time for summer.

my niece has been ill, but she's ok now. my sister in law had presumably a surprise first epileptic fit the other day. i haven't spoken to her, i'm not supposed to know, but apparently they've recovered a bit from the shock. i suppose that saying is a bit gay but i am concerned and can't say irl.

bbob

if anyone wants to post a picture of a mug shot, that would be welcomed

just another trippy criminal/potential rapper.

bbob

there is actually a story behind that mugshot. the guy was in the news today [?], he was found trafficking drugs; found because he got high while trafficking went to a garage with his imaginary car and tried to fill it up with petrol.

bbob

Oh Shit, maybe it's my conscience. There was a protest outside the union the day before yesterday? wednesday. anyway as i was approaching it i was thinking "fuck is that a picket! no it's a protest. i don't want to join a protest, they seem like nerds. fuck maybe i could turn it into a picket. nah i couldn't do that there's 30 or so of them. fuck what if it's a picket i shouldn't cross it. hmmm. nah it's blatantly not a picket. wait a second i should ask. oh fuck now i'm inside the building. what if it was a picket??".

so anyway if it was a picket i am teh wanker, again.

Ninjadmin

depends what they were picketing

i remember when i was at uni there were lots of strikes about fees, you've already paid the fucking money, what's the point in giong on strike after you've paid, it's like striking from mcdonalds cos you didn't like the burger

bbob

oh thanks for that.

so anyway, i think of this as day 0. i have something like 2 friends now, one in ireland one in london. they're reliable enough to be more than acquaintances. but fuck i mean fuck i've got to start going out more, this mammoth course ends in 2 weeks, and then i've both got to start looking at other things to prioritize, and i may be moving if it works out. but fuck i mean fuck.

districtline

i need some more friends too. only lived here for 2.5 months so it's alright, but still.

bbob

oh eye it's a long road but don't let that get you down

DrCarnage

bbob

i need to get some sort of creative hobby. i'm talentless.

flick

youre quite funny, that picket post was funny, funny is a talent.

bbob

i've stopped taking my pills. i've got a week left to finish 1 essay. i'm nearly panicking.

i mean seriously if i can't do this my whole life is going to take a weird shape.

do we have a buddha smilie??

bbob

bbob

less than a week left. next weekend i might go out. while i'm there i might take some druuuuggggssss.

maybe neither, the future is my oyster.

bbob

today?

i'm glad to be alive. i may be a dead man, all washed up at 23, destroyed. but eye, i'm still here.

fuckers.

Ninjadmin

trust me bob, 23 is really young, it is one of those ages where you are a bit between ages, but it'll all change. you could start doing something and do it for 10 years and you'd still only be 33

28, now that's old

bbob

nah i'm 26 nearly 27.

bbob

have i mentioned that i've stopped taking my pills. i feel alright - less stressed, more healthy.

and my imaginations are fuller. which is probably a bad thing :-/

bbob

i've been reading about schizophrenia and adolescence. i think my adolescence and probably childhood was schizophrenic. i didn't like hallucinate or anything, but i was a weirdo. this is a nice quote "purported genius reflects massive pseudo-intellectual overcompensation rather than genuine originality and creativity". Also stuff about being unable to untangle from my mother, I mean since getting sectioned I talk to my mother and farther alot. So what makes me feel ill, after reading about that, is i question how much i've left that bullshit behind.

edit nah that's bullshit, i'm not ill now or then.

just a sad bastard

bbob

when i said "schizophrenic" i meant schizophrenic like.

i admit that i'm a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to mental health. but it's understandable, considering that my brother has been sectioned twice, i react badly to pot, and have been sectioned.

it's grossly offensive that firky thinks i'm a malingerer. well, it would be ok i'd be a bit of a bastard tho

interestingly people who have had what i had, tend to be indistinguishable from people who haven't, if they have a high verbal. i just mean schizophrenics with high verbal iq tend to function just as well as normals with high verbal iq.

i'm not ill atm, i'm recovered, and none of my beliefs are bizarre. some kinda bizarre experiences/thought patterns i guess, for someone who doesn't take drugs. but i don't have a problem with the diagnosis, i mean my brother has it and he's pretty much an alright person. but it is upsetting that firky tries to convince people that i'm some kind of bizarre fraudster, lying so that people think i'm more different or something.

the guy has a personality that it severely high in psychotcism, imo.

bbob

GOT TO DO SOME WORK.

bbob

so anyway this is my last day at uni!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!

how cool!

anyone is welcome to post what they think if how long it's taken me.
please answer a) you were psychotic; you are very clever to have completed the course

.
b) you are a severely neurotic malingerer with major character deficits, that has managed to ruin your life.

i'm not sure myself

bbob

i am pleased with myself. i am very pleased with myself

bbob

i am the dice man.

Ninjadmin

you're alreet bob

just a bit messed up

too much time on your hands imo. you need a creative outlet

i've been cracking up a bit the last few months cos i wasn't into anyting. you just have to force yourself to be happy sometimes

bbob

bbob

bbob

bbob

bbob

edit i'm cracking up.

bbob

i think it's a case of: when do friendly acquaintances that are old friends of yours turn into non entities. i guess when you work out they're kinda unfriendly

that is the last i'll say on that topic, what am i a nut?

as to that stupid ex of mine...............

edit well i say old friends, but we were lovers really

bbob

i am still the dice man

i still want to go on holiday, the skies will be lovely

i thought districtline was inviting me to spend a couple of days with him in sweden, but he seems to have been scared off

the other thing i'm thinking about is, egocentric twat and that, is still if i've always been schizophrenic [i'm in remission now

]. i really don't remember hallucinating or being delusional back then, but i was a freak really. maybe it's a continuum, maybe the two aren't related, dunno.

not a theory, an observation or opinion.

oh i'll give an example of some theory before i leave.
was the guy i went travelling with a malignant nacissist? he was absoliutely remorseless to me

is lefort's political theory basically have the ideal of transferring merleau-ponty's concept of good ambiguity into the political sphere? good ambiguity made flesh, in sharp contrast to the imaginary terrorisms of stalinist systems? i was thinking at most basic he wants a good ambiguity between representative and "direct" democracy. it's an interesting theory, one that i might persue depending on how lazy i feel in the next few weeks/days.

bbob

it could be, sorry to go on, but perhaps my brother had childhood schizophrenia, and i was just copying how he behaved, or trying to. i really behaved very autistic - in the original sense of the world.

he's gone tho that man. he's never coming back........

bbob

nah, more likely that i've always been pretty unlikable, so never had many friends/etc., then went schiz.

Ninjadmin

i just think you spend too much time introspecting (if that's a word) and not enough time on new stuff

there is so much you haven't done, sitting about being a schiz isn something you have done

bbob

oh i do know that., i know that so bad, that's why i'm going to start socializing. and i want to go abroad too

but i'm just shit at art class

bbob

do something creative!

bbob

i should go out and do something. except i've got no-one to go with, and i'm not unhappy on the net............

i could find somewhere on the net. oh fuck it i can't be bothe......

i don't even drink ffs.

Ninjadmin

just go and meet people

bbob

what wander into the street shouting "anyone want to talk to bob?"? my therapist suggested when i mentioned this, that i should just start talking to people at the shops or something.

what? i've never seen anyone do that, therfore it would be weird, and i can't think of a reason why a) the person won't think i'm chatting them up, so b) i won't feel very uncomfortable and look like a creep.

i could talk to a guy, but......... dunno tbh, if they invite me somewhere they're trying to sleep with me, if they don't then what i've managed to speak to some random man about the price of eggs. wow.

bbob

need food. might wait til 5 for curry, dunno.

clean up room in an hour, maybe.

could read.

fuck it, eject, i'm going to stop using the net now so i can mentally prepare for the day.

bbob

life is a mystery

Ninjadmin

don't you talk to people at university?

bbob

also, i've really got to clean up, but i can't be bothered, and don't want to read a book in this filth.

bbob

bbob

went to the shop, thought someone might want to speak to me, but i was too robotic and didn't know what to say.

see, dunno if i'm massively socially inept or just out of practice. probably the first..

bbob

i can't work out if i've been listening to my flalt mate row with his girlfriend for the past few months, or he just likes watching soap operas

bbob

"you can take 10milligrams
but i advise you to take 20miligrams"
"pusher! is that a threat!"

that's exactly how the conversation went

Ninjadmin

bbob

and die alone

bbob

took my medication. it wasn't as traumatic as the first time, then as soon as i swallowed it i started screaming and begging someone to give me something that will make me sick.

thing is, is the shrink has no interest in my not being on it, he doesn't see that it has any value. take a pill, be happy...

i'll give it another shot in the future, just got to choose the right time.

snouty

Ninjadmin

bbob

i'm thinking - i've got to give up smoking, but i don't b4 i hear if i get into uni. but if i don't, it'll fuck up the rest of my plans [get into a heathy routine b4 i start uni].

it's a tricky 1.

also, i'm thinking "i do like being more 'shy', but everyone just thinks i'm more distracted".

bbob

holy fuck, i've got to give in smoking 0_0

how difficult is it?

i'm very addicted - about 50 a day. after 3 hours sleep i need a cigarette.

oh shit.

plus i've got to never smoke again. what will i do instead? except that's like a lifetime's disability, rather than a few weeks of hell.

how difficult is it?

bbob

fuck it shall i just start today? why delay it??

bbob

i'm thinking: it can't be worse than "depression", and it only lasts 2 or 3 weeks

Ninjadmin

get one of those plastic cigarettes

bbob

i wish i hadn't caned the ciagrettes so much - i could have had another 10 years from it, without going blind or getting cancer.

bbob

ha i'm going to get really fat

bbob

art.

ever since i grew up i always wanted to be an artist. not

i just wanted to be a gangster. i'd make an ok gangster, except i've been frozen out by too many weak playas. your game is weak, my game is whack :-S

bbob

i'm thinking:
tobacco is a sacred herb man. worship it, fear it, kill it.

bbob

me and me are going out to the mattresses on tobacco.

bbob

so yeah smoking. i'm going to need some confidence to give it in, and to start jogging, i've decided that jogging might be fun - my twin does it, seems to enjoy it.

confidence.

piece of piss.

bbob

PIECE OF PISS.

bbob

PIECE OF PISS

bbob

PIECE OF PISS

bbob

none of you are human to me.

PIECE OF PISS

*headbuts wall*

bbob

someone's been taping me talk to myself for the past 2 years

bbob

left turbo, nowhere left but here.

delete my account please sir.

*shakes fist* allow me some self respect. if you don't i'll post pictures of turds in every forum.

a fitting end

bbob

an end is as good as a start.

bbob

what if i get depressed without the internet?

edit and no i did not self diagnose myself. i've seen a total of 8 [?] different psychiatrists, including the no 1 expert in schizophrenia in the country. i've had my brain scanned. in my last appt he said "if you are faking, then you're the best fake ever". different with depression - i needed ads so much i was begging, begging for them.

just so you know you know.

what else before my account gets deleted

oh yeah.............

...........

.......

edit 2 i was so lonely i was clawing at my bed. clawing.
last full day as a smoooiker.

jambooboo

jambooboo

bbob

thanks for the support. i haven't smoked since lunch time, i have no cravings atm, except, my whole life was about smoking, i did so little else. things seem a little meaningless, nothing to look forward to

Ninjadmin

take up drinking

my ex used to smoke about 50 cigarettes when she got drunk

bbob

i hate not smoking. i've just wasted the day, not smoking.

districtline

first cigg of the day now

i have to quit in 2 weeks time

bbob

i used to be cool. so i'm back in the town where i went to school. arranged something for like a months time. it doesn't look like my twin or any of his friends are going to invite me out. i hate him - always doing activities - scuba diving, rock climbing, backpacking, extreme faggot. couldn't play football like a normal person! or invite out his twin who clearly doesn't know anyone in the area.

bbob

i don't even particularly want a cigarette. but my jaw is about to fall off thru chewing for a day and a half.

Ninjadmin

stick with it

bbob

day 3 no cigarettes. is ok.

just went for a 20 minute jog. coughing and my back hurts.

bbob

i don't smoke and i go jogging. this girl drought is going to fix itself soon sure enough

bbob

i run like a spastic

bbob

giving up is piss easy. i might have a cigarette at the end of the week, just to test myself.

bbob

went for another jog today, and still haven't smoked.

3 days
3 weeks
3 months
these are supposed to be the cut off lines.

bbob

4 and a bit days and i literally have not stopped chewing gum. my jaw hurts

bbob

still not smoking. it's ok, i miss it the romance a bit.
didn't go for a jog today.
read about aesthetics instead.

lots more important things to do this holiday, forms to send off, topics to get acquainted with. for now tho, it goes, ok.

jambooboo

I thought you'd retired from the internet Bob.

bbob

yeah well they didn't delete my account.

i don't see why it would mean anything tho, it's not like i'd magically have real life things to do, or even that it takes up much of my time. in reality.

oh yeah and i'm sure that turboisland has blossomed into something utterly beautiful, in the half a week i haven't been there

jambooboo

bbob

i just found my coat that i hadn't seen for a week or so.
it smells of stale sweat, and cigarettes. just wearing it now, i nearly fainted with delight.

also, what's pissing me off is that i've got no good reason to go outside now. i'm going to stand outside anyway, and drink a glass of water.

Ninjadmin

you know bob

i was thinking about you before

and i think that your big problem is with your brother. why do you resent him? do you not think it's going to be fuckedup for him that his twin resents him?

one thing which i have always believed, but never acted on, is that is a lot more honourable to ask for help that to pretend you are ok

instead of resenting your brother, why don't you ask him for help?

bbob

i don't really resent him, it's just hard to be happy for him - not sure why. maybe he doesn't want me to be.

but no i don't think the root of any misery or incompetence of mine is my twin. and how would be help me out - money? he's not that well off and i'm not sure i'd need it - indeed he owes me several thousand pounds atm.

Ninjadmin

you always say that he iis the good looking cool one or whatever

he is your twin, so he must be a big part of your life

if you don't love him, you won't love yourself. i've been hanging out with my big brother the last few days and it is amazing how much gettingon with your familymakes you happy

face it bob, you are in a slump. i bet you have a much better life than me at my age.

your twin obviously has confidence,which you don't have

you are like a wizard of oz character, one thing and you'll be fine....

bbob

filling in some masters application forms.
i'm thinking...

i'm never going to be successful, content. the real task then, must be to have a laugh along the way.
except i took these anti-psychotics again. my family, who i'm living with atm, were shouting at me. sucks.

never going to be accepted by these unis

(

bbob

it's not like i've felt that different since not taking them. just loads more distracted.
not by like crazy ideas, just loads more impatient with people, like there's not much point in listening or reasoning with them.

bbob

oh shit!

so i just thought, for the first time in almost 3 weeks: "i'm a bit bored of chewing tbh".

is that it - am i cured