renegadedog
|
Down the pub watching the matchAn older story of mine:
Down the Pub Watching the Match
Chapter One
We sat and watched the hours drip slowly past. I could hardly speak. My mouth felt dry and numb with all the lack of excitement. The greyness was all over me. You looked at me.
“I suppose this is it,” you said, “Time for you to go.”
It seemed so strange, that we had reached this hour already. I had lost track of the amount of time we had spent in this small white room with the soft walls and hard floor and ceiling. The time would soon come when we would get revenge.
The clock struck 12. I hugged you goodbye and walked outside, down the long metal corridors. I asked myself as I walked, again and again, what had I done which was so evil?
The first deserved it, for he was but a shallow fool who presumed his life more important than that poor unsuspecting feline creature which had dared sit in the shadow of his fast moving vehicle. I still remember his surprise as he squeezed the life from that poor unfortunate beast, before seeing me, like a giant in his headlights, jumping onto the roof of his vehicle, grabbing him through the skylight, and breaking his neck there and then.
The second, well, she was just an empty vessel, a sad old soul who deserved to be used and abused like an object. The saddest thing was her lack of surprise.
For years afterwards, they shut you and I up here, in this infinite dullness, this ever-shrinking space, this church of blandness. This constricting suit I wear, which makes my arms useless. My warriors arms, which should be used on a battlefield, sword and shield in hand, fighting off enemies of darkness, reduced to a point of uselessness, trapped by mere fabric. These people, they do not understand. Who are they? How can they have judged me?
They judged me once to languish in that tiny space, but now they have reversed their decision, and I am to be extinguished, destroyed once and for all.
Some people came from one of the doors, their clothes each as bland as the next. They push me through the door and into the big blue outside. I was forced onto another vehicle, this one bigger, and put down on a wooden seat surrounded on all sides by more of these people. They were making my escape very difficult. I had never been in such a situation before. Fighting off hordes of Orks and Lizardmen in strange castles whilst Dragons breathed fire down my back, that was easy, for then I had my weapons and my magic. In this world, my magic worked no more. I still had some of my strength, but not enough to break out of this suit, let alone fight off my captors. The vehicle trundled along.
“It’s not my fault!” I said again, “This is not my land! Let me out of here!”
They smiled, and patted me on the back.
“You’ll be out of here soon,” one of them replied.
There’s no point in fighting, I decided to myself. What would be its worth.
We meet our destination. A dirtier building than the other one, but just as grey and depressing. They untied my jacket and took it off. For a moment my arms were free, but not enough to fight. They were soon forced behind my back and clamped together with metal fastenings. I was led into the building, past cells more decrepit than you would find in an evil sorcerer’s dungeon. Many hands were stretched out from behind the bars, their inhabitants looked gaunt, pale, desperate, yet also resigned to their fates.
I am sat in an old chair, then material strapped all around me. The other people retreated, hiding behind a clear glass window, looking on. I could see some kind of equipment.
“Any last requests?” They asked. I shook my head, scornfully. What could this world give me that I did not already have?
One of the men nodded, as if to make a signal. The other pulled a switch on the equipment.
They waited in anticipation. Their faces looked greedy, as if killing me would make their lives so much better.
Chapter Two
I’m tellin' ya, this ain’t a laughing matter. Seriously mate, I’m not facking joking. One minute there I was minding my own business, watching the West Ham game down the Millers, and the boys’ve just gone 4-0 up against the Arse, and I think I’m fucking dreaming mate. Then, all of a sudden, ‘arf the facking pub wall disappears. Next fing oi know I’m in some kinda medieval bar, ‘oldin’ a five pint jug a frothy, scummy ale in me ‘and.
“For fack’s sake” I shouted at the barman, who’d shrunk in size and was suddenly about 4 facking foot high and just as wide, with a dirty great beard “I was injoyin’ that game! And what the FACK’s ‘appened to moi lager?”
He starts replying in some kinda facking old English bollocks, and all of a sudden I get tapped on the shoulder and ‘oo should appear but some facking geezer all covered in scales with a long, lizard-like head and a whopping great spear in ‘is hand, dressed in some faggot leather queer bollocks.
“Oo the fack are you?” I asked.
“Stranger, you are not welcome here,” he replied.
I tell you wot, I don’t take no shit from no paki or chink, let alone some fackin green guy dressed like a Queen reject. I smashed my ale glass all over ‘is head. ‘E reeled in ‘orror, but hardly bled, then the facker swipes back at me with ‘is spear.
“You have offended us all by your actions.”
You wot? I threw a punch at ‘im, knockin’ ‘im square on the chin. ‘E punched me back, but oi ducked it, kickin ‘is scrawny legs out from under ‘is feet. As ‘e fell oi grabbed his spear and held it to ‘is neck.
“Beware!” shouted the little guy behind the bar, “The Lizardmen will send more from the barracks!”
Oi looked round the bar at the other people wot were in there, they were all scaly and green, and now looking on, angry.
“This city is under siege” the little guy shouted again, “If you kill a Lizardman soldier, they will kill you for sure.”
You wot? Nobody fucks with me!
The door swung open. Ten more of the green bastards came out and rushed towards me. Oi dropped the spear and turned to the barman.
“What the fack’s going on?” oi asked, “One minute oi was watching the fackin ‘ammers game, the next ‘ere oi am in the middle of some wierdo war!”
“Just leave, stranger,” he replied, “you are not the person you were. I had waited years and years for your coming, and just as you arrived, you somehow changed, and became a different person, no longer the magnificent Rongar, part fighter, part mage of electricity, who would tear this army apart like a lightning bolt, but suddenly some ignorant swine of a human, dressed all in strange clothes.”
“Fack orf! All oi know is oi woz in the pub and all of a sudden oi was in ‘ere!”
The green men grabbed the spear.
“You’re under arrest,” one said
For fack’s sake, oi fort.
Chapter Three
They activated the machine, looking on ever greedier and greedier. I waited, expecting to die any moment. In fact, the reverse came true. As the death machine clicked into life, it gave me new power, such as I had not felt in quite some time. My mind began to glow and glow, my body pulse with energy.
Fools! I thought to myself, they were feeding my life, not taking it away! I began to remember my magic, that weird alchemy of religion, science and psionics which made me so powerful back home. With it came back my warrior’s strength. I grinned at the idiots behind the glass, who by now were staring at me in shock. Their lust for blood had not been sated. Feeling wondrous now, I ripped at the pathetic things which held me down, tearing myself free. Before I attacked, I took a few moments more to absorb as much of this energy as I could, then rushed at the glass, smashing it to a billion pieces.
I jumped into the other room. I would not kill these men, for they were just simpletons, unaware of the beauty and magic in the universe. They were in control at a facile level, charged with killing people in a cold and callous manner. I would not do the same. I had to get back. I still had little idea of what this world was. I had spent most of the time cooped up like a hen in that little white room. Who knew who was winning the war now?
“Where am I?” I asked the men, who were cowering in the corner. One was scrabbling in a drawer for something. He pulled it out. It was one of the pathetic black weapons the people on this planet was so used to using. I quickly cast a “fire stream” spell on it, and it dropped to the floor, the metal melting away. When I had first arrived here, my captors had used this weapon to subdue me, but now that I had my powers back, nothing could stop me. But I had to find my way back.
“Who the fuck are you?” one asked, “We thought you were an everyday madman, a lunatic who killed an innocent driver and female bystander. Then it was decided that you were not mad, and were to be killed. How could you still be alive?”
“Your chair, it is magical” I replied, “It gave me back the powers which your world drained from me. I feel alive and colourful once more. When I was back in that room, everything was grey, and my life was leaving my body. If you had left me just a few more weeks, you could have killed me in that manner.”
They looked ever more confused.
“So where did you come from, then?”
“A world you could not even begin to visualise. We have glories all around us. This world is so grey, so empty, by comparison. I had barely arrived here when I saw the man trying to crush the life from that poor creature, and was so shocked and appalled - cats are holy to my people. So you can understand why I did what I did.”
And with that, I turned and walked out of the building. I used my magic to wish some of my own world’s clothes upon myself, losing the blandness.
Chapter Four
Facking ‘ell mate, oi’m tellin’ ya. The lizard men marched me out ov the building and inta a facking dark dingy room falla weird lookin’ fackers. Some ov ‘dem were all scrawny little pale faced guys wiv big ears and long black hair, uvvas woz more like me, uvvas were like da barman back in the uvva room. He slammed the door shut and locked it.
“Ooo the blady ‘ell are you guys?” oi asked.
One of da little pale faced guys spoke up, “We are Humans, Elves and Dwarves. Our world is being overtaken by the Lizardmen. Say, how came you to be involved in the conflict? Although you are Human, you wear strange clothes. You have the appearance of a fighter, but only at the most crude, basic level.”
“Oi don’t facking know,” oi replied to ‘im, “But oi fink we should get out of here and go break a few fackin’ necks.”
“That’s not possible,” the little guy replied, “If you were Rongar, the wizard-fighter we have been waiting for, he could get us out of here. What good are you?”
Oi sat down. All ov this woz doing me ‘ead in. Oi lay down on the stony, cold floor an’ slept 4 a while.
---
Later on ‘dere woz a big nok on the door and two ov dose Lizardmen came in.
“We have sacked the city. All the other Humans, Elves and Dwarves have been destroyed, or moved to prison camps. I suggest we do the same with this lot, although when it comes to him-“ and ‘e pointed at me - “I’m not so sure. According to the barman upstairs, one of the few Dwarves on our side, he was Rongar one minute, and the next he became somebody entirely different..”
“Are you sure he isn’t Rongar in disguise?” said the second.
“Look, mate,” oi said, “If oi woz Rongar, oi wouldn’t be sittin’ ‘ere like a melon waiting around 4 somefink to happen. Oi’d ‘av smashed moi way out, and oi’d be sitting back in da pub wiv moi mates watching the game. 4 fack’s sake, let me out ov ‘ere.”
And den somefink totally amazing ‘appened. Oi suddenly had an image ov this Rongar geeza. Sumhow our path woz connected. Sumhow ‘e suddenly got loads ov power, and some ov it came in2 my body. Oi felt loike oi was so powerful, oi could ov done anything. Oi raised moi fist, and slammed it in2 the chin of the lizard man. E went floying out ov the door and into the corridor. Oi quickly punched da uvver one roight in the solar plexus. Oi could ‘ere ‘is spine crack as he toppled backwards. The others in the cell looked at me in shock.
“You are Rongar?” the Elf ‘oo ‘ad spoken 2 me earlier said.
“No…” oi replied, “Oi’ve no idea wot iz going on ‘ere. But oi fink oi ‘ave got some ov dis Rongar goi’s power.”
Oi’m tellin ya moite, oi felt incredible. It woz only comparable to when the ‘ammers beat Bayern Munich 5-0 in the Champions League final 2 years ago. It rushed froo my body like a surge. I felt strong, suddenly. I could use vis power 2 get the uvvers out ov ‘ere. Oi quickly smashed all ov their chains and we went throo the corridor and out throo a legion of Lizardmen, oo oi mainly beat da fuck out ov moiself using moi new astounding strength, wiv da ‘elp of some ov da uvvas. We seemed 2 be in some koind ov courtyard, wiv a dirty great gate at the uvva side. Dere were 20 ov us, and Lizardmen were approaching from all soides. Oi didn’t care, though - oi just beat up every 1 oo came at me.
First ov all oi ‘ad four coming at me at once. They charged wiv their spears, and oi grabbed the nearest spear from him and snapped it. Oi’m tellin’ ya mate. I found oi woz able 2 lift people off the ground just boi thinkin’ ov it. I then just said da word “fire” and the entire skoi seemed to come aloive, and all the lizard geezas woz frazzled just loike that!
Oi wished some weppons 2 appear, three swords and two battle axes. Oi chacked em 2 the people oi ‘ad rescued, and we laid in2 the lizardmen, ‘oo were crowding thru every gate oi could see.
The blood, mate, facking amazing. It made that riot in the World Cup look fackin shit, mate All ov these people ‘oo were ‘ittin me, their weppons just snapped in half,.
Then this facking great big green dragon fing came flying in2 the courtyard wiv smoke billowin’ out ov its nostrils loike anyfink. It reached down and picked me up by my collar, carryin’ me up in2 the air. Oi troied to foight it but was ‘ard while oi woz floying thru the air. Then the dragon fing took me 2 the top ov a mountin and put me down.
It opened its mowf.
“Where is Rongar?” ‘e asked, ”and who are you, with your simpleton ignorance?”
Oi looked all arownd me. It woz fackin freezin, we woz roight amongst the oice at the top ov the mountin.
“Oi don’t know no Rongar,” oi sed, “but oi fink oi av accidentally taken ‘is place.”
“How in the name of Cular did that happen?” the dragon asked.
“Look, oi don’t facking no!” oi replied
“I must summon my elders,” the dragon said, “I want Rongar back. Only he can really fight the enemy. You have his powers, but you are lacking in other areas.”
“Well fanks very much!” oi replied..
Chapter Five
I came out onto the street. Thousands of thoughts of revenge and retaliation filled me, but soon I remembered the peacefulness of my religion, my tendency to, whatever my strength, just walk away, only kill or attack when it’s truly necessary, and I managed to control myself. By now my strength had fully returned. I suddenly had an image of a unruly, stupid man from this dimension, who had somehow found himself in my place back home. He had been captured by the Lizardmen. I had to get back there, and get him back here safely, before he came to any harm. I quickly transferred as much of my own powers to him as I possibly could, to enable him to escape. I didn’t want to involve him in that war. He was just a simpleton, this world’s equivalent of a village idiot.
I sat on a wall, and waited for him to escape, so I could return.
When I got back, I found that my people had already been freed from the prison. It turned out that the man who had taken my place was a bit of a fool, but he had done his job OK. I made a resolution, though, not to engage in trans-dimensional warping in the near future.
I marched down the street and down to the castle where they had been prisoners and stormed it, razing it to the ground.
Rongar had returned.
Chapter Six
Da Dragon fackin’ put a spell on me, and tha next fing oi new oi was back ‘ere again, in the fackin pab!
Facking ell, mate. Doesn’t ‘appen every fackin day, oi can tell you!
“Yeah mate, but you missed the match.”
|
